relationships

Ditch parasite dudes

Alright, imma rant about something that will make boys all kinda butt hurt so if you’re reading this grab some iceeee!

Male friends are G-A-R-B-A-G-E.

Let’s start by using the perfectly scientifically representative case study: my life.

In the past 48 hours, I’ve been approached (via text, this is 2017 after all) by exactly four friends about hanging out or catching up: two females and two males.

There is a stark difference between my interactions with female friends and my interactions with male friends that is SO tangible and obvious it would almost make me laugh if it didn’t make me mad.

One of my fabulous female friends asked me to hang out because she’ll be starting a new job soon and wanted to spend some time together before her schedule picks up. Sadly I could not because I had work, but I know this particular friend always makes me feel warm and fuzzy inside AND THAT’S THE BEAUTY OF FEMALE FRIENDSHIP.

Another friend of mine, another wonderful woman (how many alliterations can I make in this post?), and I haven’t seen each other in awhile and have expressed how we miss each other dearly and need to catch up soon… out of a desire for spending time together and genuine care for each other’s lives and enjoying each other’s presence.

What a beautiful world, huh? Friends who enjoy spending time together and care about each other and want to be around each other to soak up the joy in their association.

Well, some friends that is. I’ve noticed throughout my long, wise years that male friends take a decidedly different tone when reaching out.

Particularly, the two male friends I interacted with in the past day, coincidentally enough BOTH expressed the desire to get together not to hear what’s new in my life, not to bask in my intellect and humor, not to frolic in the beauty of friendship and human interaction.

But because they literally were bored and wanted me to materialize on-command to entertain them.

One had an hour in town to kill and mass-texted people to see who he could hang with to not get bored during said hour. (Yes, he told me this.)

A few weeks ago, a male friend got annoyed when I couldn’t go do something fun because again, I was working, and he said he “had been working really hard and deserved to do something fun.”

And that’s my problem why??????

Keep in mind these are totally platonic friends who are more than aware that I’m in a relationship and sexual activity is nowhere even near a possibility, so don’t let their terse and uncaring tone fool you: they definitely aren’t just looking for a hookup. This is genuinely how they approach friends.

There’s lots of people who only reach out when they need something. I know several women who do this. But this lack of valuable contribution to a friendship, and expectation that the other person exists solely to hang out with you even though you give approximately zero shits about their life, seems to be an intrinsically male phenomenon, at least in my particular experience.

I’m not saying there aren’t wonderful male friends out there. I’ve had plenty of positive interactions and long-time friendships with good dudes. Some of my favorite people to hang out with include some great guys.

That is, the ones who don’t ditch when you realize you won’t have sex with them. (That will be for another post obliterating the goddamn “friend zone” to bits.)

All I’m saying is to evaluate (all) your friendships and see if there’s a roughly equal give-and-take. I guarantee you have a few parasitic dudes in the mix who either 1.) have pressured you into sex or otherwise joked that you aren’t sexually available/interested, 2.) only talk about themselves, 3.) expect you to listen to all their problems while never offering you a listening ear in return, and 4.) want you to entertain them when they’re bored.

The different ways that men and women approach friendships may not be that surprising when you consider the science (which OMG I hate myself for saying since gross men’s rights *activists* always say crusty shit like “Well if you look at the FACTS…”) ANYWAY, science shows [cringe] that women are more emotionally empathetic, better communicators, and have better social skills and higher standards of friendship than men. Hmm.

There’s nothing with reaching out to a friend. In fact, that’s what friendships are for. But if you’re constantly expecting others to entertain you while simultaneously not giving a flying fuck about them or anything in their life, you need to take a seat and stop being a Parasite.

And I’ve noticed this trend with way more male friends than female, which I guess is to be expected in a society where women are expected to drop everything to dole out our coveted emotional labor  for men who frankly don’t know what to do with themselves without it.

Friendship is a two-way street, and I’m done being the only one driving.

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